my boyfriend of 7 years says he will never marry me and hangs onto the past?
my boyfriend of 7 years says he will never marry me and hangs onto the past?
Dec 18Question by : my boyfriend of 7 years says he will never marry me and hangs onto the past?
I have been with my boyfriend for 7 years. I am 25 and he is 27, I am an architect and he is an artist with a full-time job. We met in college and fell in love; we were both so grateful to have met each other in a world full of close minded daters who do not really see eye to eye. We had a truly romantic first 3 years, we never argued, stressed the importance of being independent while also in a relationship, and all our discussions were productive and led to reasonable outcomes. Then, during our fourth year together, I went on a study abroad for 6 months and was sexually assaulted. I then, later, slept with another man because in my unclear mindset, this action would some how redeem myself from the sexual assault that I had no control over. Meanwhile, I told my boyfriend everything that was happening. He told me that he would not break up with me, that he still loved me, and that I needed to get over my pain. We later had an argument when I returned, not about my possible stupidity leading up to my sexual assault, but about how I cheated on him (also w/o a clear mindset/ stupidity?). I have since gotten by without feeling rotten about my past experience but, we have continued to have this argument for the past 4 years. At first, it was seldom, whenever he remembered what had happened to me and what I had done and since then it has escalated in frequency to whenever I bring up small mundane problems that we might have. I think that he subconsciously knows that if he brings up this aspect of our lives, I will feel terrible and back down and he will, in turn, win every argument and shut me up. However, we have mostly been having a good time. We have talked about marriage, which is something that I would like to do eventually. He has been against marriage and reconsidered his opinion occasionally. And, then, we finally moved in together four months ago when I bought my house. The house needed a lot of work, which he contributed to willingly. Two weeks ago we had an enormous fight which began with him telling me point blank that he didn’t want to be in a relationship with me anymore and didnt have time for me and the house out of the blue. This was shocking since I had been feeling extremely content at home, I had been doing most of the house repairs alone, I had been doing well at my work, and been feeling very accomplished as a new and very young home owner and professional. I asked him to reconsider and try to work on our relationship with me, to which he and I both conceded to after about a week of pain and hurt and crying. He told me that he will never marry me because I have changed in his eyes after what I did to him 4 years ago but he will stay in a relationship with me and try to work things out. I want to get married some day and I want to help him get past my bad experience during my study abroad 4 years ago, and, I do not want to continue have the same redundant argument over and over again. I want him to forgive me and focus on the happy times that we have most of the time we are together. Should I finally tell myself that enough is enough and move on without him? He is trying to work with me and the relationship, but, I have been feeling pretty down and feeling like I begged him to stay. I feel like all his affection (which isn’t much) is fake, and I feel like this is going nowhere. I don’t trust him or feel any sense of security with him in this relationship anymore. I love him so much, but this situation makes me so sad, should I leave him?
Best answer:
Answer by Franco IV
Well, he’s being honest. So this way you can never say he lied to you or mislead you….!
What do you think? Answer below!
He obviously isn’t willing, or can’t forgive you. I wouldn’t stay in a relationship that was “forced” as it does become fake, instead of real, the way a relationship was meant to be. I would leave him just for my own sanity. We have to take care of ourselves, as no one else is going to.
yes. leave him
It’s cruel and ridiculous to keep bringing up an old issue to use as a weapon against you. He needs to either FORGIVE AND FORGET completely, and work on a positive healthy relationship with you, or he should leave! If he can’t get over it, why doesn’t he stay? I understand that 7 years is a long time and it can be scary to suddenly be single again, but it’s cruel and unhealthy to wallow in the same argument and the same misery.
Sarah, I feel he is NEVER going to get past ALL this of the past. It constantly keeps coming up time & time again, this is how I perceive it would be. I know you’ve both invested a lot of yrs. in your relationship, but comes a time of honesty. Honesty & most of all acceptance of just what kind of a future you’d have together. I feel in time you’re going to resent this constant past of yours being thrown in your face. I also feel your love is going to change if it already hasn’t by now. I’d seriously consider putting the past in the past & leaving it there. The past is forever gone, but the future is still your own. You KNOW you can love & be loved. I’d free myself once & for all & go forward with my life. Meet the one you’re meant to be with & find true happiness with ALL your love returned. He’s out there, you just haven’t met him yet. When the time is rite, you WILL. You’ll then have the true love of your life. Don’t accept the unacceptable with him, there is no need to. Free yourself to bigger & better things in your future…all the best to you…:)
I think that i would have to move on. Tell him that you’re sorry for the hurt you gave him but you want him to be happy and you’re not making anything better. It’s scary to move on after a long relationship but it may be healthier for the two of you.
If he truly wants to stay, I would suggest therapy to figure out some way for him to forgive you. His response to a breakup may be a good indicator on whether he is willing to work on the relationship I understand his point of view but at the same time, if you really did cheat on him because of an unclear mind you should let the therapist know and have them help you get back to being in a more healthier relationship. Otherwise you may want to admit to yourself that perhaps you weren’t in an unclear mind or if you were, you should talk to a therapist regardless if you stay or not to go over your past issues and learn to move on.
He’s emotional and not being realistic about his feelings. His actions say “I love you” yet he keeps his distance as a defense mechanism. He’s looking for security, but at the same time he’s rejecting it. Unfortunately, this is one those cases where a person won’t realize how much that person means to him or her until that person is gone. Sometimes it works out after and couples get back together again, but there’s a possibility of those insecure feelings still within them. He has to make choice, either take the chance and jump over the waterfall with you or not at all. Chances are, you probably already jumped and you’re waiting for him, but you know in your heart he won’t take that leap. Its time to move on and explore whats ahead without him.
You need to leave him. It seems that mentally he is unable to process/deal with your sexual assault and your eventual cheating (regardless of the circumstance). He is not able to cope with it.
Also, he would feel guilty if he left so as such he is constantly bringing up the same hurtful argument time after time over stupid small things so that just one day, you will have had enough and you will leave him. He does not want to be in this relationship and does not feel that he can commit to you.
I am sure he wants to deep down inside but I presume there are parts of him that just cannot move past what happened to you and the cheating… and never will.
It would be best for you to leave the situation and move on.
It is very difficult for any man to understand rape and all of it’s pain for women. This guy never wanted to take responsibility for U in the first place. U just did not notice because U were so in love at the time. Here is one of the red flags U missed early on in your relationship with him — the part where he admired that U guys were in a relationship but still INDEPENDENT. This is a BIG clue as to where the relationship was going to end up. A man who is in love and wants to take responsibility for a women he loves does not wait much past one year to propose or get married. Leave this looser in the dust and find a guy who really cares about U.